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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066852">8 ways to Incapacitate a Space Pirate(s)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/poagthemoth/pseuds/poagthemoth'>poagthemoth</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Mechs Album Week 2021 [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tales To Be Told - The Mechanisms (Album), The Mechanisms (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Mechs Album Week, Pre-Canon, The Ignominious Demise of Dr Pilchard, this isnt mechs centred hopefully just writing about a tales to be told song sorry if it is lmao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:00:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,877</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/poagthemoth/pseuds/poagthemoth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mechs Album Week:</p><p>Day 5: Tales To Be Told</p><p>An account of Dr Pilchard's incapacitation of The Mechanisms.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Mechs Album Week 2021 [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2205171</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Mechs Album Week</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>8 ways to Incapacitate a Space Pirate(s)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>content warnings-<br/>- guns<br/>- kidnapping<br/>- canon typical violence to some extent</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr Pilchard had managed to sneak onto the Aurora, finally, after all these years of trying. He was in an alcove in one of the many corridors and had his kit ready to take them all out on him, he knew he would soon see all their secrets of their immortality.</p><p>He had scoped out the brig and found it sufficient for his plan, he didn't want to venture too far into the ship just in case he got caught off guard. He had to readjust some of his plans after getting into the ship but he had it nailed down what to do and intended to get them all in the brig by himself. </p><p>He peeked his head outside of the alcove and heard footsteps approaching his direction in front of him a bit down the corridor. It sounded like multiple pairs of footsteps, he started to panic but managed to get his breathing under control and just decided to scope out who they were. </p><p>As the footsteps approached he heard the distinctive voices of Gunpowder Tim and Ashes O'Reilly. Two of the most deadly Mechanisms in combat, he swore silently at his misfortune and took two steely looking hammers from his bag in each hand.</p><p>"Yeah so Jonny totally cheated last game" Ashes spoke as they started to approach the alcove.</p><p>"I agree, I should have shot him 10 minutes earlier than I did" Tim replied, chuckling to himself.</p><p>"It was a good shot though we'll get him next time" Ashes laughed.</p><p>"We were playing Go Fish right?"</p><p>"No Tim we weren't"</p><p>Dr Pilchard saw that they had passed the alcove now and not noticed him due to being deep in conversation, he was in luck today. He decided to risk it and ran out behind them, the first hammer connected with Tim's skull clean and he fell to the floor with a flop.</p><p>Ashes heard this and turned around in shock "What the fuc-"</p><p>His second hammer knocked them down with a short crack and Ashes was out cold. He got the bindings out of his bag and prepared to bring both of them into the brig.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Dr Pilchard emerged from the brig and loaded up his hacking device, he had bought it from some dodgy seller on an asteroid but she had promised results and he didn't have any other ideas to take out Nastya Rasputina. He had in a similiar vein downloaded a deadly virus on it, which he reckoned would work on the Cyberian technology that made her up. He just had to be close enough to her is all.</p><p>He spent a good few hours searching through the ship before he came upon the empty door to the engine room, and decided to check it out. He poked around and saw Nastya asleep peacefully there against a wall. He started to creep forward to get close enough and suddenly saw her stirring. His finger was over the button that would hopefully transmit the virus to the right technology here, this ship was all technology; he didn't want to mess with it instead.</p><p>He was almost close enough to do it when her eyes snapped open.</p><p>"Get out." her voice was razor sharp with anger, she raised a small laser she had been hiding in her jacket right at him.</p><p>Dr Pilchard decided to make a rash decision in this moment and dashed forward before she could pull the trigger and pressed the button. She slumped against the wall in an instance and the laser scattered across the floor. He smiled to himself, 3 down. </p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>He was making his way back from the brig again to his alcove to stake out more of the Mechanisms when he heard loud clanging footsteps ahead. He pulled out a comically large gun of some sort and held it tight as the footsteps approached. He started to panic again.</p><p>Drumbot Brian turned the corner and stood face to face with Dr Pilchard. </p><p>"Stand still and put your hands up" he managed to shakily get out, the gun sweaty in his palms.</p><p>"Okay, what do you want?" Brian appeared almost happy to help as he said this.</p><p>"We're going to the brig, don't make a move or you'll.,. get it?"</p><p>"Sure." </p><p>He walked behind Brian and put the gun to his head. As he marched him there, he noticed a pistol on Brian's belt. He thought to himself "Thought this would be much harder, he's not even reaching for his gun.", he smugly grinned.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>He knew where the next Mechanism would be. He had found the Science Lab when searching for Nastya and decided to avoid it for now. He entered carefully in a crouch position and had a cloth carefully held in one hand. </p><p>It was a lot larger than he expected but he eventually found her. She stood over a selection of various objects and beakers, smelling and dabbling with them. So far he was unnoticed. </p><p>Her large wings would make it awkward to do one fluid motion but he couldn't fail himself now he only had 5 left to capture and had done it without a scratch so far. She was speaking to herself about the right proportion of… ducks? He was unsure.</p><p>He shrugged and now right behind Raphaella La Cognizi, stood up and awkwardly managed to wrap his arm over her shoulder over her wings (she was taller than him) and placed the cloth over her mouth. Her eyes rolled as she fell to the floor a few seconds later. </p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Dr Pilchard was convinced those tentacled monstrosities were watching him as he entered what appeared to be a combination of an archive / library to find the next person. They lined the shelves and he decided he would maybe check them out before his plan was completed. </p><p>He was worried about this one despite the simplicity of it. Ivy Alexandria was perched on a large stool reading a book from a giant pile silently on the other side of the room. She seemed to be making her way through the pile. </p><p>There was a fairly empty table right below the stool though and he crawled to it from the entrance and placed a large A1 flier that read:</p><p>"THE AURORA'S VERY OWN BOOK FAIR:<br/>
LOCATION: The Brig </p><p>BRING YOUR OWN BOOKS, SHARE BOOKS WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR FIND NEW BOOKS FROM ACROSS THE UNIVERSE HERE!</p><p>HURRY NOW BEFORE IT ENDS!"</p><p>He crawled back to the entrance with the uttermost care and when he got past the door, made a large sort of ululating sound in his throat he heard some of the creatures make then started to run towards the brig. As he went he heard Ivy speak in a pet voice.</p><p>"Petalspike? What are you up to now?"</p><p>He thought he heard the sound of someone making their way down a ladder before he was out of earshot, and that was good enough for him to prepare the brig for her.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>He leaned against a wall and sighed in exhaustion. This had been intense, he needed a breather. He heard someone approaching and started to get up and reach for a gun when he saw it approach, The Toy Soldier.</p><p>"Hello Chap! What Is An Intruder Like You Doing Here?" It spoke jovially, but he could tell it was ready to get him if he spoke wrong, he couldn't fail now. He remembered what he could about The Toy Soldier and thought of something desperate. He had managed to get 6 of them at least.</p><p>"I'm here for a tea party, the other members of your crew, invited me. I was looking for you since you weren't there and they err told me to find you as they missed you." He slowly got up as he said this, trying to appear as calm as possible.</p><p>"Well That Seems Highly Unlikely, Not To Mention Awfully Unlike Them!" Dr Pilchard's face turned to despair.<br/>
"However! If There Is A Tea Party With Them All; It Explains My Inability To Find Any Of Them In The Past Few Hours!"</p><p>It appeared to believe him and was smiling. He took a deep breath and steadied himself.</p><p>"Well Come On! We Don't Want To Miss This!" The Toy Soldier made a hand gesture showing impatience with him. "Lead The Way!"</p><p>He merely put his thumbs up at it and led it to the brig.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>The vent above the corridor was filled with Octokittens, he had asked the Toy Soldier and it had told him what they called them, and he had to admit it was a nice name. Dr Pilchard had a length of rope by him connected to the vent for this next trap, he had made some concerning noises by the end of this corridor and fully expected one of the final two Mechanisms to come this way anytime soon.</p><p>He went pale when Jonny D'Ville came into view, gun in hand.</p><p>"Where is everyone? Tim is this another of your practical jokes. they got old centuries ago trust me" 

He appeared to mumble something to himself as he came under the vent, Dr Pilchard pulled the rope so hard it might snap and the vent cover swung open and a pile of Octokittens fell onto Jonny.</p><p>He was lying down under a pile of writhing adorable Octokittens, climbing over and hugging him in a slimy and clawed embrace.</p><p>"I knew it Tim you prick, fucking Octokittens of course"</p><p>At this Dr Pilchard starting laughing violently and came out of hiding and eventually started cackling as he saw Jonny unable to escape from the pile. For a second Jonny could see him with one eye free from the Octokittens.</p><p>"Who the fuck are you?"</p><p>"You're trapped!" He pointed a finger and shouted at Jonny trying to appear menacing in his science robes.</p><p>"Alright then, another evil scientist type. Get on with it. Real low blow though I'll get you for this" His words were muffled by the Octokittens.</p><p>Dr Pilchard continued cackling and took him to the brig with a new confidence.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>The last Mechanism was surprisingly easy for the Doctor to find. He found Baron Marius Von Raum wandering the upper decks with a violin in hand. </p><p>"Do you know where everyone is? I've just been practising by myself for a few hours and can't find anyone but the Octokittens." Marius asked sounding confused.</p><p>Dr Pilchard's confidence dipped for a second as he realised he had left all his trapping equipment in the alcove.</p><p>"Uh they're just out on a walk? I'm new here" It wasn't a brilliant plan but he couldn't think of much else.</p><p>"Who are you by the way I have never seen you before?"</p><p>"I'm Doctor Pilchard"</p><p>"I'm a Doctor too!"</p><p>Marius's eyes lit up at this and he held up a hand for a high five, it was returned excitedly.</p><p>"You wanna go down to the brig and talk about Doctor and Science things?" he said his confidence somewhat back.</p><p>"Why of course! I'm sure they'll be fine out on that walk, it's nice to see someone new around here."</p><p>Dr Pilchard and Marius's smiles beamed as they went down towards the brig, although for very different reasons.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>day 5 of mechs album week!!!<br/>amazed no one has done this idea before (that i could find if you did id be happy to read your version of this!!) tbh</p><p>thanks for reading<br/>feel free to kudos and comment!!<br/>twitter- poagthemoth</p></blockquote></div></div>
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